Anyone else getting bitchslapped by the Universe?
I’ll be the first one to admit I think the big U is pissed at me for missing all of the signs over the past few years. Now it’s telling me I’d better move my ass or I’m going to miss out on my opportunities in this life.
Let me enlighten you a bit.
I’ve had an issue I’ve been dealing with for a long time. About a decade. And it involves my being able to fully express myself to the world.
You see, when you’re a people pleaser you don’t often think about your wants and needs, and if you do, then you tend to feel selfish, undeserving, and then the “who am I to want this” questions fly like a flock of seagulls to the dropped tray of fries. And it all goes down the drain.
But if you’re not honoring your own wants and needs, attending to your unique dreams and desires, how does that equate to a joyous life?
I’ve been asking myself this question a lot.
I’m not fulfilled because I am not fully stepping into the Goddess I know that I can be.
Often I’ve wondered why the hell I am not making any progress, and I have recently concluded that it’s due to some pretty deep, subconscious and unconscious energetic patterns.
Energy can act just like water- strong enough to erode pathways through seemingly solid surfaces (anyone picturing the Grand Canyon?) creating a permanent direction of flow. Sometimes these energetic patterns are so deep you think they can’t be changed. They end up dominating your actions, feelings, beliefs, and eventually your words and thoughts can reflect the way these patterns disrupt and direct your life.
When you’re in the midst of these deep entrenchments, especially if they don’t benefit or encourage your growth, you can easily become angered, resentful, depressed, or anxious, and behave in ways that are incongruent with who you really are.
You can be a loving, caring person at heart, but because of the way these patterns intercede with your life, you might become explosive or withdrawn from battling the opposing energy day in and day out. Sheer exhaustion can set in, sucking your life force right out of you.
And, to top it all off, you may not even be aware of the patterns running your life!
This is what happened to me. I’d start blaming everything on others because I wasn’t able to see what was really running the show. I was reactive, not responsive, because I didn’t have the awareness to realize that I was being controlled like a puppet by invisible forces that descended upon my life.
I believed that people were out to get me. They purposefully made comments that hurt or put obstacles in my way, or at least I thought they did. I never accepted that I could be loved because I couldn’t see past an old belief system built out of trauma.
This last one has caused a doozy in my life and was at the root of my decades-long depression.
But that’s another story for another day.
The point here is that all along the Universe was giving me signs on how to heal. It was telling me exactly what I needed to do, but I never took action on all the guidance I was receiving (and it was a LOT). Everyday I’d be shown the signs, get the hits, hear the whispers, and yet I’d stick to the pattern of my trauma survival techniques that outshined any leap of faith that was presented to me.
There were plenty of times when the Universe told me to leap and I’d be caught. But I’d always doubt myself and my abilities to move forward with the life I so dreamt of having because I was stuck in these beliefs that it was something I wasn’t allowed to have.
I’d perhaps dip my toe, then recoil at the icy twinge that ran through my body. I’d want it, change that is, but I never believed it actually was possible.
I was shown all the wonderful things life could bring me years and years ago. I wanted them so badly. My dream life seemed possible and it was calling to me. Loudly. Beautifully. Yet, I still dismissed it.
I’d ask for things from the Universe, and they’d show up, sometimes more quickly than I ever expected, forcing me into action. Yet I’d still doubt the signs and messages that were being, quite literally, pushed in my face.
For example, I asked for a place I can heal to become available, at a price I could afford, NOW, and within about a week I had 4 options.
All I have to do now is have some hard conversations I’ve been avoiding for a very long time.
I have been being guided to speak my truth now for a few years. Before this guidance was available, I could barely use my voice. I’d lose it all the time. I’d constantly have a sore throat and feel like it was always hard to swallow. Once I began to share my story, the healing came in fast and furious, and I was able to sing, the pain was gone, I became able to start standing up for myself, and I havent’ lost my voice since.
Guidance at its finest. If I were able to recognize it for what it was at the time.
Looking back, I can reflect on my journey to see that I had to go through what I did, not seeing the signs, so that now, with all this new awareness and connection to Source, I can make my move and step into my greatest self with confidence and power.
I know I have lots of work to do here and that there are some steps I need to take in order to make that happen in the biggest way possible. I am feeling the push so strongly now that I can’t avoid it any longer. It’s like the Universe is saying “it’s now or never”, and the cosmic position of Neptune retrograde is in agreement.
Who am I to argue with that?
All the signs point to “get it done”. All the cards I pull for myself tell me the same thing. All the readings I’ve had done give me the same information. So many damn signs in my waking life, everyday. Nudges. Hmmm…someone trying to tell me something?
When you don’t choose to listen to the guidance the first, second, third, or tenth time around, the Universe, because it loves you so much, will let you know that it’s time to cut the shit and live your damn purpose.
The message I’ve been getting, oh so loud and clear is this: “Quit fucking around and just do it already. The world needs you and it’s time to step up. You know what you need to do. We got you, but you have to be the one to initiate the sequence of events. Freedom is on the other side of your fear.”
Well, I guess it’s time to listen because my face hurts.