Sitting in the Chaos

Well well well, look what the cat dragged in.

Yup, that’s me. Kicking and screaming all the way to my highest potential. 😂😂😂

For almost 4.5 weeks now I’ve been “hiding”. TBH, as I look back, perhaps it was more avoiding, but I may be too hard on myself (something multiple people, including two tarot readers, have told me in the past few weeks). It’s been chaos.

But I’m back bitches and better than before!

Yes, I’ve needed to rest, and I did. And today I am working from bed, and I am A-OK with that! Didn’t used to be, but in my new found self acceptance, it’s perfectly acceptable to work from anywhere I feel like working. It’s all about getting the shit done. Right?

In the past weeks I’ve been bombarded with cosmic energy that literally knocked me on my ass. I’m highly sensitive and this was a doozy…but here I am on the other side, wiser, stronger, and more willing to “do the things”.

It’s been chaos, to say the least, and I’m not generally good with chaos. Mama likes order. Structure. Consistency. All things I don’t think I possess haha. But I keep remembering something my coach said to me earlier this year. She asked me what would happen if I just sat in the chaos. If I were to let it be what it is, without trying to control it or figure out how to “use” it, and allow myself to fully be with it.

So that’s what I did.

I cried. I got angry. I got sad. I had sparks of inspiration and creativity that I wanted to act on but didn’t have the energy. I stayed in bed for A LOT of days. I slept. I drank. I wrote. I resisted. I consulted books, the internet, my tribe, and my guide on WTF was happening to me. I sank into my studies. I created new rituals. I was off social media more than I’ve ever been. I watched tv. I observed everything and everyone around me. I drew boundaries. I made decisions. I didn’t do a whole lot of work and lost some potential clients. I gave myself a stress-related health issue. I let the shit hit the fan. And somehow I came out the other end alive.

Because I gave myself permission to take a break from the 24/7 entrepreneur hustle mindset, I came up with some brilliant ideas for the upcoming months, and not only can I clearly see the steps, my energy has returned so I can actually take said clear steps!

It feels amazing. I still don’t feel 100% back to normal, but I’m much, much better than I was. Having the energy, inspiration, and motivation to follow through is what I’ve been waiting for.

Sometimes you do need to “wait” for the timing to align. 

Yes, yes, I talk about how time is not linear, that everything is here now (quantum law), however sometimes other things need to happen on your “timeline” to give you new awareness, wisdom, and healing, so that you can tap into the energy of manifesting your biggest dreams and desires.

That’s what I apparently needed to go through. A few patterns needed to be shown to me so I can resolve them. People’s value systems needed to be revealed so I could put up boundaries or see who truly supports my vision, and see who may or may not join me in my next chapter. I also needed to see when my own toxic traits got in the way.

Now that I have this awareness, it’s much easier to move forward. And I’m really excited about it. I know that it’s just the illusion of fear standing in my way, and that people need what I have to offer….otherwise I wouldn’t be inspired to create and offer it.

I love these times when I feel like I’m in a vice grip, trapped, or sinking (definitely not talking about in the moment loving it, it’s the afterglow I’m referring to) because I get the opportunity to grow exponentially.

It’s these times when we feel like we’ve been buried that we’ve really been planted. Now it’s time to reap what’s been sown.