“I’m not ok”.
These words keep rolling around in my head and have been flying out of my mouth almost daily for the past three weeks.
“This isn’t me” I keep thinking to myself. “I know it’s ok to not be ok, but fuuuuuuuuuccckk, really right now? What the hell is wrong with me”?
“NOTHING” I scream back at myself in the fury that has become the dominant energy surrounding me lately. I’m actually mad at myself for uttering the words “I’m not ok” so many times a day, maybe even a bit ashamed (to be honest) because I’m such a “positive” person.
True story. This has been my life in between the moments of pure fear, uncertainty, and WTF questions about what is happening to humans on this planet.
Trust me when I say that no one’s got it all figured out.
I’ve been battling this “I’m not ok” energy for what seems like forever. It’s only been about three weeks, but when you deal with this type of pattern for days on end, it’s bound to drain you at some point.
I think I’ve reached that point. The bottle is dry.
All I want to do is sleep and zone out. And I have been. There’s a reason my body is telling me all this right now, and it’s important to listen to those messages, even if they make no sense. I’m someone who is always is “working”, so to take time to sleep or rest makes me uncomfortable. However, the things we resist the most are the ones we also need the most.
Lately it feels as if life has just dumped a year’s worth of laundry on me to wash, dry, fold, and put away.
That’s kind of what healing is- you first get to compile all your baggage, clean out all the dirt, let it hang out to dry and see if any stains remain (maybe even beat out the wrinkles), then fold it up nice and neat, and send it to live where it is out of the way, ready for the next time you need it (which you won’t, but if you do, at least you won’t be emotionally attached).
“‘It’s ok to not be ok’ doesn’t seem like enough to fix the problem” I find myself saying more often than I’d like to hear. But what can I do? I feel like a caged wild animal with these emotions.
I sob in the shower, in the pantry while making dinner, in the closet while getting dressed, and even in the bathroom when I look in the mirror and say “I’m not ok”.
The tears sure help me release, but they don’t do much to actually move me forward.
So what do I do in these situations where I’m quite literally immobilized from this old, repetitive pattern of mine? (I used to suffer from severe depression and this was one of the dominant energies that kept me stuck).
I get up and do something.
This is the ONLY way to move forward: take action.
It never has to be anything massive either; sometimes tackling just the smallest task can reap huge rewards. And keep in mind that all those little steps add up after a while too.
Whenever I get pulled back into this think-trap, I take a deep breath and remind myself that what I am feeling right now is temporary. It’s not going to be like this forever. How do I know this? Because I have the power to change how I am feeling.
The only thing that remains consistent is change. And everything is always changing, in every moment, with no exceptions.
The only reason things seem to stay the same is because WE ARE CHOOSING IT.
You read that right. We choose for things to stay the same.
So we can choose to remain in the pattern of negativity, feeling stuck and hopeless; OR we can take responsibility for how we are feeling in the moment, acknowledge it, feel it, and then choose to move on. It’s the more difficult choice, but it’s the one that will have the biggest impact.
When it’s hard (and for me, it always is), I have a list of things that I can do to help raise my vibration. Usually I don’t feel like doing anything, if I’m going to tell you like it really is, but somehow I always seem to muster up enough energy to do one thing. After that, I can feel a shift. Sometimes it’s subtle, but it’s always there. And that’s always a step in the right direction.
Remember, you can’t go from 1 to 100 (honestly, that’s an unrealistic request), but you can go from 1 to 2, then 2 to 3, and so on. Just keep choosing to take action/raise your vibration.
I’ll share some of my ideas with you here, in no particular order.
- Meditate
- Take a bath
- Take a walk
- Journal
- Dance
- Jam to some music/ blast it really loud and sing really bad
- Watch a funny movie
- Talk to a friend who is willing to hold space
- Get lost in a book
- Listen to an uplifting podcast
- Take a nap
- Burn some incense and do a card reading
- Clean
- Talk to the plants
- Create something with my hands (I like to crochet and make paper crafts)
- Write a few lines of a new article
- Sip some tea and look out the window
- Daydream about what I want in life and remain open to receive guidance
- Have a fashion show in my closet
- Look through old photos that make me happy
- Paint my nails
- Get dressed up for no reason
- Scream into a pillow
- Sit and let the tears flow
The key here is to just do something without judgment. Just let yourself be guided to what feels good, again, even if it doesn’t make sense.
When you allow yourself to just accept and acknowledge that you’re not ok at the moment, that awareness alone opens you up to solutions.
Oftentimes we feel stuck because we don’t know what’s around the corner. It could be that we’re feeling a bit scared about not knowing something, whether that’s a reaction from someone else or having to be a beginner again at a new endeavor. Or maybe we just don’t want to feel out of control.
Whatever the reason, accepting that in this moment that you’re not feeling ok is what will help to set you free. Avoiding, escaping, or denying how you’re feeling will make it worse in the long run. Allowing yourself to fully experience the range of emotions that might be showing up helps them to move through you, so it’s ok to let the meltdown commence.
It’s not always easy to pull yourself out of a funk, but it is your responsibility. No one can make you feel a certain way (ex- expecting someone else to make you happy) but they can help to lift your spirits by holding space, lending a shoulder, or sharing a perspective.
Reach out to others for support when you need it, but also remember at the same time just how powerful you are. Imagine how you could feel if you were able to dig deep inside yourself in one of those “what’s wrong with me” moments, and say with conviction “NOTHING”, then just move on with your day.